Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The worst music video ever.

I stole this shamelessly from Chris Bigelow. Warning: it will take several weeks to get this song out of your head.

I especially like the jewelry worn by the, um, dashingly sexy male lead. Yeah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPnGPIMUnus

p.s. You really need to watch it a few times to fully appreciate all the details and nuances.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Feeling Safe

I was thinking today about my decision to stay home with my children instead of working while hubby was in grad school. We have some friends who made a different decision, and that decision worked out really well for them financially. I can’t complain because we are doing fine financially as well—and even if we weren’t, I wouldn’t regret my decision. Still, it makes me wonder . . . did they experience any bad effects from that choice? Do I wish that they did?

My musings on this subject led me to another subject, which is really what I want to talk about here. Here it is: I feel reluctant sometimes to discuss my feelings about things like this because I am so conservative and I don’t want to offend people. But it is strange to me that this is so. Has Relief Society become so accepting of differences and so open to exceptions that we no longer feel safe in discussing (or advocating) conservative choices?

I feel so blessed that I grew up in a more liberal church. By “more liberal,” I mean a church that encourages acceptance and even the embracing of differences. A church that has, during my lifetime, switched to encouraging men to put their families first, help out at home once in a while, be sensitive to the physical and emotional needs and limits of their wives. Most of my adult life has been spent in a post-Chieko Okazaki Relief Society, in which we make sure we bend over backwards not to offend the woman sitting next to us who might have chosen, as Okazaki did, to work outside of the home while others cared for her children.

I LIKE this change.

And yet . . . and yet I remain the kind of woman who chose to stay home with my children, even though it was hard, because the prophet suggested I do so. I am glad I did, and I got many blessings by doing so, but the biggest reason I did was because of that. But I don’t feel that I could say that, just that way, in Relief Society, or even on some on-line forums that pride themselves on being “safe places.” The thing is, we’ve made everything so safe for people who are not strict in their following of church guidelines, or people who wonder, or people who don’t fit into the traditional LDS woman types. But have we made these places less safe for people who are strict with themselves and traditional? Do we give as much respect to the “hardliners” for strictness as we do to the women who have made other choices? Do we try as hard to make sure these more conservative women feel like they won’t be attacked or ostracized for sharing their feelings and opinions as we do the others? (I’m not talking here about tolerating intolerance. I’m just talking about making sure people feel safe and respected.)

What do you think? Have there been times when you have hesitated to share a more conservative opinion or feeling because you feel like you won’t be respected or you might be attacked?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Just a little thing . . .

I found out this week that my novel (yes, that one) placed second in the Utah Arts Council contest YA division! The prize for second place is $750! That's by far the most I've ever won with my writing.

It's weird to me to observe my own reaction to this. Because as recently as two years ago, I would be head-over-heels giddy ("ebullient," one of my new GRE words) with thrills over this award. But now, although I can't say that I'm not glad, it's not as exciting. Why?

I think it's because I'm stuck (again). This novel has some good writing in it (and that's probably why it won) but it just isn't where I'd like it to be and I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO FIX IT. If it were published tomorrow, I would feel faintly embarrassed that it represented me and my mind and my skill. And yet I know it has merit (guess this contest proves it even more than the agent interest), so it irritates me to abandon it. I'm stuck in this place where I don't want to work on it and don't want to let it go.

The other reason that I am not quite so thrilled is that I've been doing this long enough now (and I have dear friends who are better at it and more published than I am who have shared their experiences) to know that in the end it doesn't matter if others like it, or how many others like it, or even if it does get published--at least, not in the long term. By "doesn't matter," I mean, no writing success is going to make me feel like a permanent writing success, or like a more valuable person. The same insecurities are still there, the same fears.

And, besides all that, the number of people who are impressed by such things is pretty darn small. Even in my extended family, who try their hardest to be happy for me, no one is going to keep mentioning it to me, keep being awed by it. The most I can ask of anyone is an "All right! Good for you!" or maybe a "Can I read it?" (which isn't always that great either, since it often comes from people who had no interest whatsoever in what I'd written until they heard it won something), which sentiments pass very quickly and then all is forgotten.

I can only remind people of my great accomplishments so many times. Thank goodness my husband doesn't mind my, "By the way, did you know I won 2nd place? And also got a 1450 on the GRE?" comments that come twice daily (or more). He even acts enthusiastic--but, really, how much can I expect of the poor guy who doesn't read poetry or literary fiction at all? That's a lot of pressure for one guy to carry--being my cheerleader.

So I've learned that I've got to be doing this writing stuff for my own satisfaction, for the enjoyment of the process, because in the end that will be my real, and perhaps only, reward. Although the $750 is nice. I'd like to spend it on a really cool couch or something but it'll go right into the grad school fund.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Poetry Workshop 2

I'm way behind on my report of my poetry workshop with Kurt Brown last spring. Which is just a sign that my life got exciting. It still is exciting (I'm so loving this phase! I love having my kids in school! Besides giving me time for myself, it's just a very fun age of kids, and parenting is in general more interesting than it has ever been. I'm only just realizing that the real culprit in my emotional struggles when they were little was boredom). But I ought to keep my commitment and finish out these notes for you!

So here are some things I learned on subsequent days in Kurt's workshop.

In a poetry workshop, it's a good idea to read your poem out loud to the critiquers. And then to have someone else read it aloud, so that you can hear how others will interpret its sounds.

When you number sections (as opposed to just starting a new stanza or separating with a mark), you move away in time and space, maybe subject. Leave it to the reader to look at how they're related. The transitions can be supplied by the reader if you've done your job well.

It is not always best to attempt to end with a punch. This is a sign that you don't trust the reader. Sometimes it's best to end with an image rather than an idea. It's often good to end on a monosyllabic word, or a word that ends with a stress.

Use lineation (the way you break up your lines) to strengthen words, to speed up action or slow it down, to emphasize sound. Remember that poetry is a temporal art--that is, it exists in time. Lineation is how you control the pacing, the passage of time in the poem.

[Kurt passed out a fantastic handout on lineation.]

For speeding things up, use "propulsive breaks," breaks that force the reader to go on to complete the thought. This propels them around the corner. Or tricks of words:

My father beat me
in a race.

Use lineation to imitate the action that the poem is describing.

In formal verse, you work with feet. In free verse, the line is your unit to work with, your unit of measurement.

Leave out as much as you can while leaving enough to allow the reader to draw conclusions. (I wish I could tell this to everyone who submits poetry to Segullah! You don't have to say everything!)

Generic language is not always bad. It makes the poem sound more mythic ("man," "house," "hill").

When you're structuring a poem, say the second most important thing first, then the least important thing in the middle, then the most important thing last.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

GRE

Well, it's over. The cool thing about it was how calm I felt. I had prepared all I could; I had taken practice tests and was happy with the scores I was averaging. My biggest fear was that I would get a migraine or other health problem during the test, and I asked for a blessing to help me with that and with the fear of it (which is just as debilitating and often brings a migraine on). (See previous post on fear.)

So I was calm--calm the night before, calm as I drove there, calm as I encountered the essay questions. It was the first essay I was most worried about, because I have found in my practice tests that I am not so great at coming up with contemporary examples to support my statements. Besides being disgustingly unaware of popular culture and politics, even when I do remember things I can never remember names. (For example, in one of the essays I wrote for the test, I referred to "that lady from Britain who sings and who was discovered on the British talent show." You know whom I mean. What IS her name???) Anyway, my topic on the harder essay was this: --oh, wait. I may have promised not to reveal the topic. Did I? I can't remember if it said that specifically in all those things I signed. Well, anyway, it was a topic that I was able to think of three really solid examples for, and I really think this was God helping me. (The writing of the thing, of course, is the easy part.)

I cruised along through the Quantitative (math) section, not getting too worrried about it, answering what I could and guessing when I felt it was taking too long or I had no clue, just as I have done in all my practice tests. (I called BYU and the U a couple of months ago and asked if there was any reason in the world for me to study for the math portion--would anyone at all look at those scores? Answer: no. So I didn't.)

And then I did the Analytical (Verbal) section, and the VERY FIRST QUESTION, the MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION because it determines a cap on your score, contained a vocabulary word that I had no idea the definition of. This was surprising to me, since I had studied hundreds of words in preparation for this test, including all of the words on the "recommended" lists of the test-prep materials. But this was not one I had made a flashcard for or encountered within the last six months. It wasn't a word I'd never heard before, but I had NO IDEA what it meant. (I know, you're dying to know what the word was. But the truth is that I can't remember it! I must have blocked it out or something. Really.) So that was a major bummer because I knew it would have significant impact on my score. I made my best guess and moved on.

After that I had to write YET ANOTHER ESSAY because it was part of the research materials of the test. In other words, I had to do it, but its score wouldn't count for me. It was really hard to push myself on that one, since I was exhausted by then. But I made it through.

Then I had a chance to choose not to have my test scored. If, for example, I felt like I had had a really off day and didn't want this GRE to count, I could click on "don't score," and then leave the test and re-take it another day with no problem. Once I clicked on "score," though, I was agreeing to have the scores sent to the schools I had designated. I had to choose which one BEFORE I could see the scores. I considered not getting it scored for only a split second (because of that one word). But I knew I had lucked out on the essay and not done too badly for myself otherwise, so I went ahead and got my scores.

And here's the joke: my quantitative score was higher than my verbal! Quantitative: 730, Verbal: 720. I couldn't quit laughing about it all the way home. Do these people care that both of these scores are inaccurate? In practices, I average higher on verbal and much lower on quantitative. Ah, well. 720 isn't bad--they say it's in the top 2% of people who take the test. The BYU English department tells me the average scores for people accepted there are 614.61 Verbal and 578.43 Quantitative, so at least I know that my scores won't keep me OUT of the program. (I know that actually the scores probably count very little in the acceptance process.) But it's so hilarious to me! I mean, I did my best on the math part, but I did guess several times. Lucky guesses. The good thing is that if I ever decide I want to go back into a more science-based field, I won't have to take the GRE again! (Not much of a chance of that, true, but I have fantasized about becoming a nurse midwife . . . ) (There's probably a different entrance test for nurses anyway.)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fear

I’ve been thinking about fear.

Fear is the great evil of the world, I think.

Looking at just my own little corner of the world, it affects me personally in insidious ways, rolling over my life like oil and finding cracks to seep into to break things apart. When I am afraid, I get cranky. (And I’m not sure that crankiness isn’t the true evil, as C. S. Lewis describes.) I become so focused on myself that I don’t see others clearly and I do stupid things.

Recently I have been very afraid, because I have switched medications and it has seemed as if my old illness was returning. This fear turns my insides to gravy, and I find myself walking unaware of my surroundings, and snapping at people. Disgusting.

A few weeks ago, a woman who has a very great fear in her life attacked me verbally (and it was a literal attack) for something so illogical that I suppose it was a blessing, because it enabled me to see that she must really be in pain. I can and do forgive that (though it was very, very painful and distressing), but it makes me wonder how many other people who have hurt me, particularly by just being cranky and thoughtless, are just struggling with their own little (or big) fears. Does all selfishness have fear at its root? Probably so.

I’ve been aghast at the results of fear in my own local school district, where children were not given the choice of whether or not to listen to the President of the United States, because of the fear some parents had. These adults did not trust themselves to research the message that would be given, study its ideas, and prepare themselves to discuss (and, if necessary, dismiss) it with their children. Rather they preferred to make sure that NO children had the chance to hear it. This worries me—that we would, as a society, choose not to risk encountering ideas we might not like rather than being open to the possibility of new things. We are afraid.

Nothing makes this clearer than the “end-of-the-world, what-is-society-coming-to” e-mails that people forward to me. These things are designed to make people act out of fear, and, what’s worse, often contain inaccuracies, exaggerations, dubious authorship and sometimes even outright lies. I’m concerned about how quick people are to click on “Forward” before they even check out the truth of the statements (or even just look it up at Snopes). Why? What makes us eager to spread fear around?

What is the antidote to fear? Well, obviously, it’s faith. But faith in what? Obviously, not “faith that things are already fine.” Because that would be a shutting down of our intelligence, a choosing to be acted upon instead of acting. Maybe it’s a faith that as we take care of things to the best of our abilities, all will never be lost. God is still in charge of my little life, and of the world in general. I have great faith in the lovingness of God, that He will not give His children anything other than exactly what they choose. So even if I think that my neighbor is deluded in what she thinks will be best for this country, God sees her heart. And if her heart is such that she is seeking this or that political change because she wants what’s best for the most people possible, she will be blessed. My forwarding her an e-mail won’t change her heart, and it probably won’t change her mind, either, since she did not ask for my opinion.

I have faith in human nature, but more than that I have faith in God. I’ve got to figure out a way to keep fear from running my life, because it never brings anything good.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Friending

This thing about “friending” on Facebook. I’m not sure I get what it’s all about. I mean, I’m usually glad, or at least OK with it, when someone “friends” me, but occasionally it leaves me scratching my head. With some of these people I can’t figure out their purpose. Are they just trying to get as many people as they can? Do they sell Amway or something? I suppose I know a disproportionate amount of authors, and maybe these people are trying to build up their publicity—and that’s fine, provided that I actually know THEM. Some of them I just don’t. I guess they find me because I am the friend of someone they know, but still, it seems a little tacky . . .

Some of these situations are worse than tacky, though. Like a certain person who keeps trying to friend me (she’s tried THREE times, now) who was in my ward growing up. The thing is, she HATED me when we were growing up. She was the bully who sent me home crying from Young Women’s many times. She has lived in my memory as the Horrible Thing, the Thing to make sure I never grew up to be, and to make sure my kids never grew up to be. Why in the WORLD does she want to “friend” me? And why does she keep trying, even though I keep “ignoring” her?

And then there are the people who say, “Hey, D! Long time no see!” and I can’t remember ever having met them before. Am I going senile already? (I AM approaching 40 this year . . . ) Who ARE these people? And how can I say, “Um, I don’t remember you”?

I really enjoy facebook, and now that I’ve figured out how to “hide” the updates from most people (but not you, of course--never you), I am able to check it out occasionally without a nervous breakdown. But, please, don’t friend me unless you’re my friend.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

O'Connor: scaring people by writing about sin

Well, I think it's time for more philosophising from Flannery O'Connor. These quotes are taken from pages 139 and 143-44 of The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor, 1979 edition.

"I once had the feeling I would dig my mother's grave with my writing, too, but I later discovered this was vanity on my part. They are hardier than we think."

I like this one because I think too much about what other people are going to think about my writing. I do it both ways--thinking one group of my friends will think it's too gooey, or others will think it's too scandalous. Or I worry that people will simply misunderstand what I'm saying. Especially with poetry, I can't make everything so clear as to prevent the possibility of misunderstanding without losing all art and subtlety. I have to be willing to risk misinterpretation and leave the readers their free agency.

"About scandalizing the 'little ones.' When I first began to write I was much worried about this thing of scandalizing people, as I fancied that what I wrote was highly inflammatory. I was wrong--it wouldn't even have kept anybody awake, but anyway, thinking this was my problem, I talked to a priest about it. The first thing he said to me was, 'You don't have to write for fiteen-year-old-girls.' Of course, the mind of a fifteen-year-old girl lurks in many a head that is seventy-five and people are every day being scandalized not only by what is scandalous of its nature but by what is not. If a novelist wrote a book about Abraham passing his wife Sarah off as his sister--which he did--and allowing her to be taken over by those who wanted her for their lustful purposes--which he did to save his skin--how many Catholics would not be scandalized at the behavior of Abraham? The fact is that in order not to be scandalized, one has to have a whole view of things, which not many of us have."

"When you wirte a novel, if you have been honest about it and if your conscience is clear, then it seems to me that you have to leave the rest in God's hands. . . . I think that for the writer to worry about this is to take over God's business."

This one hits me hard. I believe that--believe that it is wrong and actually damaging to the quality of my art for me to be more involved than I should in God's business. My business is to do what I feel called to do, and do it as well as I possibly can, then leave the rest to God.

"Part of the mystery of existence is sin. When we think about the Crucifixion, we miss the point of it if we don't think about sin."

"Fiction is suposed to represent life, and the fiction writer has to use as many aspects of life as are necessary to make his total picture convincing. The fiction writer doesn't state, he shows, renders."

"The two worst sins of bad taste in fiction are pornography and sentimentality. One is too much sex and the other too much sentiment. You have to have enough of either to prove your point but no more."

"I don't think you have to worry much about bad taste with a competent writer, because he uses everything for a reason."

I so agree with this one. It explains why the depiction of sin in some things doesn't bother me at all, and other times drives me crazy. So many writers seem to just throw it in for fun, and not for a purpose.

"What offends my taste in fiction is when right is held up as wrong, or wrong as right."

Amen.